This Is How You Should Deal With Heartbreak, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

The first time I ever had my heart cracked open by a woman, I was an acne-ridden, 110-pound, 16-year-old closeted lez.

Yeah, I was just a scrawny, scrappy, teen girl creature, who incessantly wore strategically ripped black denim skinny jeans and velvet chokers, thinking she might actually DIE from her broken heart. (PSA: You can’t physically die from feelings, just running from them.)

I remember feeling like I was nothing but a raw, open wound aimlessly sifting through the dirty school halls. Anything could get into and infect me.

The lightest flick of cigarette ash felt like a knife in the gut. No one ever taught me how to deal with heartbreak, so I numbed the pain the only way a New York teen knows how: with our sweet babe, Mary Jane. I smoked myself into oblivion for a year, until I realized I hated pot and spent the next year feeling a year’s worth of repressed feelings. It was a blast!

Since my first high school heartbreak, I’ve suffered through about three more epic punch-in-the-gut breakups. And after packing up my shit and starting over that many times, what I’ve learned in this: It doesn’t matter if you get dumped suddenly, find out your partner is cheating on you with the pool boy, break up with your partner because she’s wildly toxic, but you still love her madly, get left for someone of the same sex, get left for someone of the opposite sex, cut ties because one of you is immigrating to Australia for a dream job or mutually break up because you’re in a sexless, loveless relationship with no meaning.It’s always going to hurt like a bitch.

I mean, just the sudden loss of intimacy alone is enough to send you and your broken heart spiraling into a seemingly endless vortex of darkness, booze and bad dreams.

One night, you’re brushing you’re teeth next to bae, and the next, you’re brushing your teeth by yourself because you’re alone now, girl. No amount Xanax-induced sleep will erase those heavy bags under your eyes either, honey. I’ve even resorted to putting straight-up caffeine under my heartbroken eyeballs.

Let me tell you, no beauty remedy can remove dark circles from heartbreak.


You just have to accept you’re just going to look like a weathered version of yourself for a little bit. And I think it’s your goddamn birthright to fly off the handle for the next few months.

Go a little crazy. Let your freak flag fly. Deal with the pain in questionable ways. As long as you deal with it, you’re golden in my sinful eyes.

So, sweet kittens, I decided to come up with a trusty guide to help all of my currently heartbroken entities deal with heartbreak. Look, we all should probably climb a mountain, go on a juice cleanse and do some kundalini yoga like the perfect health princesses (the kind who Instagram their kale salads) recommend.

But I say screw them, and screw that. You clicked on MY article, which means we’re ~connected~ now. You’re playing on my team, and baby, we’re a fearless team without rules. We’re not basic, so we’re not going to deal with our heartbreak in basic ways, OK?

So, take a deep breath, sister. Light up a ciggy. Smoke a joint. Have a goddamn cocktail. (You SO deserve it.) We’re going to venture deep within ourselves and ~indulge~ a bit.

So, here it is: These are the ways you should deal with heartbreak according to your ~zodiac~ sign. Because we all know, no matter how much we try to resist the fucking stars, they’re powerful and irritatingly accurate.